Ups and downs

Today was emotionally draining for me, fear began to set in that mentally my son is gone. I struggle with God on this one, he's already taken his body all Jerry had left was his mind and now God has taken this too. Why? ...What purpose does this serve living as a vegetable? How can this be in Gods plan? I'm confused, I'm angry and so incredibly sad. I pray for Jerry and ask others to pray but feel like a hypocrite because I don't believe God will heal him, I don't believe God will change His plan because I ask him to but I continue to ask in case I'm wrong.

Jerry is in a semicoma state in which he is awake but not responsive to commands. His eyes will look around the room and he'll turn his head and look toward sounds, however he does not appear to be aware of his surroundings. Sometimes you can get him to respond when you say "Look at me" he will look, but it's not clear if he is following the command or just turning toward the sound. Similarly you can get him to track (follow as it moves) a picture of his cat but again it's not clear if he is following the command to look at Tina (cat) "follow Tina" or if he is just interested in the picture. The doctor I spoke with today feels that there is some degree of brain damage caused by the 107 degree temperature but can't say to what extent. There are no tests ie  CT scan, MRI, EEG that can definitively diagnose brain damage, the longer he stays in this semicoma state the more likely it becomes that he has suffered permanent damage.

I was speaking with Jerry's nurse this evening and telling her that I felt Jerry was present prior to extubation, it was in his eyes. Jerry would fade in and out and even though his eyes were open all the time you could feel his presence when he was there and when he was not you see it in the eyes that he checked out. After he was extubated and began to struggle with breathing I saw the most terrified look on his face, his eyes could not open any wider and that was the last time I felt his presence. Now when he is awake and his eyes are open I don't sense his presence. The nurse was telling me that he could have been so frightened that he went into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and he shut down. The way they generally handle this is reduce the stimulation and let him rest. I'm asking for no visitors for the next couple of days to see if it will help him in any way.

I'd like to end on a more positive note, physically Jerry is doing very well. Jerry experienced a multitude of secondary illnesses associated with the serotonin syndrome, in fact Jerry had all but one of the secondary issues. The one Jerry did not get was renal failure, I'm so grateful for that. Of all the secondary illnesses he got only two remain stress induced diabetes which he is given insulin several times a day and the lack of ability to regulate his temperature so he is always running a fever. These two are minor in comparison to what he has gone through and likely are not permanent. Lastly Jerry started weaning of the ventilator today and did very well, he spent 5 hours off the vent breathing on his own. It will be a slow process to wean off however he did so well today the respiratory therapist said he should have no trouble getting off the vent. I'm so thankful that he will not be ventilator dependent for life.

That's all for now, good night

Katie